I’ve been feeling fairly decent about my upcoming c-section for a while now and unfortunately I’m just not in a good place today. I’m feeling anxious about the surgery and feeling anger because it has to be this way and this isn’t what I wanted.
I’ve had people try to tell me that c-sections are great because you don’t have to feel anything, your va jay jay stays as normal, etc… I don’t care about any of that! I would give anything to be able to experience labor. I wanted to try for a med-free birth but I was open to having an epidural if I felt I needed it, but I wanted to at least try. I don’t like the idea of some nurse shaving me, having an IV, getting a catheter put in, having a spinal, laying buck naked on a table…. shall I go on? Thinking about all of it, I can feel my heart rate increasing. For some reason, it’s all of these things that most people probably wouldn’t even worry about that bother me and I’m not anxious about how the surgery is going to go at all. I trust my OB and I feel like I’m in good hands and I have faith that baby and I are both going to come out of it doing well.
And then there’s the anger. I desperately wish I didn’t feel angry. I’ve scolded myself for not just putting my trust in God through all of this and finding comfort that he is in control. Unfortunately, I don’t feel much comfort, other than that surgery is going to go well. I just don’t want this. I was always excited to experience labor. I feel that that’s what my body was made to do and I desperately want to give birth vaginally, the way I was meant to. Strangely, I know that tons of people would be up in my nether regions, giving birth that way, but for some reason that doesn’t bother me and yet having a c-section, similar things to bother me. I’m terrified that this anger is going to stick around after birth. I don’t want to take it out on the hospital staff, on my baby, my husband or my family. I’m worried that all of these feelings are going to increase my chances of ending up with postpartum depression. I’m hoping that being aware of it will help though.
Sorry for the little rant. Hopefully by putting it all out in the open, I’ll feel better about everything until Tuesday rolls around and I’ll just be focused on meeting my son.
lil' monkey PJ 